Dear Maggie —

I need your help! I know the auction is next weekend and I’m super excited, but my husband, on the other hand, thinks it will be super lame. He attends a lot of fundraisers/galas/auctions for his work, and they have a tendency to be pretty stuffy, and he’s convinced that this one will be too. In fact, I’m so excited that I’ve already bought my ticket, and if he doesn’t end up buying one, I will just fly solo! #NoShameInMyGame  Here’s where you come in – I am looking for some talking points to try and convince him that this isn’t your typical auction.  I know it will be a blast, but my husband is a bit of a wet blanket when it comes to these things.  He’s all “I don’t own any plaid”, “who are we going to sit with?”, “I’m not going to buy a week-long stay at 30A, so why am I even going?!”, blah, blah, blah.  So give me your best elevator pitch!  How can I convince him to get his ticket and join in on all the fun?

— SoloNotSolo Sally

Dear SoloNotSolo —

I’m glad you’ve reached out for help.  It sounds like you really do need it! #DontYouAll  I am just your gal to help make a convincing argument for attending the auction! I’m just going to make this as straightforward as possible, so bullet points it is:

• No plaid? – Who cares! I’ve seen what you guys are wearing to drop off, anything will be better than those slippers and Winn-Dixie pajama pants I’ve seen some of you sport!  I really commend your bravery.  I’ve been eavesdropping on many an auction convo lately, and it sounds like the attire is going to run the gamut.  I think it’s going to range anywhere from a black jumpsuit from Amazon (#ImLookingAtYouRochelle), to a skirt that you wore to your husband’s firm’s holiday party 2 years ago (#ThatsYouReynolds).   Honestly, I’m expecting it to give some major Christmas in July May vibes. Tartan screams Christmas, so half of you guys are going to look like you’re going to a funeral, and the other half will look like Santa’s little elves.  Either way, I’m here for it!

• You can’t sit with us! – Well, actually, you can!  SMOS has a long-standing reputation of being exceedingly welcoming.  Some may even say TOO welcoming, I think the word cult has even been thrown around in some circles.  The best news is that most people will be in the same boat as you, looking for a seat.  The majority of ticket holders did not buy a table, so you won’t be the only ones wandering around looking for a seat.  Just take the first one you see, and chances are you’ll get more than a chair; you’ll probably make a friend in the process. #GrabTheFirstSeatYouFindWhenTheMusicStops

• So, you hate vacations? –  Have no fear!  While there’s surely going to be at least one (probably 2, let’s face it) vacation getaway auction items, that’s not the bulk of what they have in store.  How about the World’s Most Colorful Bird House?  They’ve got that up for grabs!  Not into birds? Ok, how about an STL Staycation basket filled with $900+ worth of items and gift cards to local and iconic St Louis establishments? Gross? Alright, have you ever dreamed of FredBird making an appearance at your next family gathering?! Well, do we have a deal for you!  

Ok, well, if none of those strike his fancy, that’s only a few of the auction items available.  Surely he will be able to find something he likes, and if not, I’ll take him to White Castle after the auction as his consolation prize. 😨

Overall, this is guaranteed to be a good time!  After all, a parish doesn’t survive 125 years without knowing how to throw a great party!  Like I said earlier, it’s kind of like a cult.  But not the Hale Bopp kind of cult, the good kind… like the Coconut Cult where they just tried to recruit people to go live on a South Pacific Nudist colony and only eat coconuts.  Ok, maybe that one wasn’t so great either, but you know what I mean!  Just join us and you can decide whether or not Netflix needs to make a documentary about us!

— Maggie