Dear Maggie —
Well, I don’t know about you – but with all of the Halloween festivities and busyness that has been September and October, I’m ready for a little break (and no, the mini “break” last week did NOT count – that was more exhausting than the usual weeks!). Unfortunately, with all of the lice emails that have been coming home lately, I fear my weekend will be one of combing through my children’s heads trying to ward off those little critters! God, how I hate lice! “Hello, Lice Busters – can I please drive out to West County to give you my paycheck for this month?!?” Anyway, because I don’t feel it’s really going to slow down and I haven’t had a lot of time to look… I feel like I’m missing something on my calendar. Please get my back, and let me know what you’ve got on your radar. You’re always so good about keeping me in touch!
– Combing Caroline
Dear Combing –
This is Maggie’s bestie, Bernie, here – you probably know me better as St. Bernadette – but I’m Bernie to my friends. Maggie has asked me to take over this week. And no, it’s not because she is suffering from a Halloween hangover KitKat overdose. And it’s not because there’s too much going on right now. Maggie can’t answer you back right now because SHE has lice!
So boy, do I ever know what you mean!?! I’m just going to say it – lice sucks!
First, you can put your panic aside – this is the one weekend this Fall where you might actually be able to catch that break. There’s not a lot going on for this brief moment around here (that is, unless you’re a 4th-grade parent – those crazy kids are headed out on the annual booze bus cruise – guess they jumped on that quiet weekend!). Fall sports are winding down, there are no big events this weekend, and Maggie and I were planning to get out of Dodge and head out for some R&R by the lake this weekend.
So much for those plans – now I’m helping Maggie pick through the bugs in her hair and spending half of the day Saturday waiting around at Lice Busters! And the laundry – SO – MUCH – LAUNDRY!?! You ain’t kidding about the cost either – we can’t even afford to go out to dinner to celebrate the good riddance afterwards. Definitely no way we can go out of town now! And now I can’t help but think my head is starting to itch too – why is it that whenever you hear someone has lice, you immediately start scratching your own head??
Am I bitter? Yes. Bitter, party of one. Actually two. Maggie’s not thrilled either. But she’s nicer than I am and would never say it. I just call a spade a spade. I’m guessing Maggie picked up the lice subbing at school this week. All it takes is one wee one giving a hug, and those nasty things will jump from host to host faster than you can blink! So let me take a moment to remind all of you that there is a Head Lice Toolkit available on the school website with plenty of tips and tricks – and that all you all better be checking your kids on a weekly basis. Because if my next trip to Tahoe gets canceled because of those grubby little, wingless, parasitic insects – and the fact that Maggie can’t say ‘no’ to a hug – I might just lose it!
And while I’m at it – can I just address your initial question – how would I (or Maggie) possibly know if you were missing something on your calendar?? There’s a school calendar for a reason. (See, I told you Maggie was nicer!) After this weekend, it all ramps up again. Between Feast on Flad, the 5K, the Holiday Market, Thanksgiving, GivingTuesday, Advent, and the looming holidays – we’re not going to get a break again until mid-January! And by then, if last year is any measure, we’ll probably all be covered in about 4 feet of ice and snow! So, sorry if I’m a little “bugged” about the lice at the moment. Those things are all super-fun, really – it’s just that, so is Tahoe.
Actually, come to think of it, what I need to do is channel my frustration into figuring out how to open up a lice-busting franchise of my own. Something tells me, based on the SMOS population and a random sample, that there’s good money in lice decontamination. So, forget what I said earlier. Don’t be on the lookout. Don’t check out the toolkit. Let me get my new business open – and then you can become my favorite new client! If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em – that’s what I always say. Now, let me get back to Maggie before she starts scratching again. I mean, who am I kidding… I’m probably going down for the count too! Two old spirits – picking, combing, and scratching together. Lord, help us!
— Bernie