Dear Maggie —
Are you in the CIA? If not the CIA, the Witness Protection Program?? You are one hard lady to find! I had a question for you a few weeks ago and it was nearly impossible to find your contact info – you don’t appear to be listed in the staff directory. I am just sending this email to Michael Sonntag hoping he will get it to you. (If you’re reading this Michael, THANK YOU!) I need to get the FACTS on a fast, direct way to reach you (see what I did there?). My recent Google search history currently contains “How to hold a seance?” and “Where to buy ouija boards?”. I’m hoping I don’t die in a freak accident soon, and then Dateline does an episode about me and tells the whole world that these were some of the last things I Googled. I know you’ve got connections with the Big Guy upstairs so please don’t let that be the journey for me! Anyway, in the process of trying to track you down last month, I completely forgot what my question was, so I guess my new question is… Where do we parents send our inquiries to you?!?! You mentioned a few weeks ago that you can receive Gusts (ghost emails) but I obviously don’t have access to such a mailing system. How do you suggest us mortals contact you? Please don’t let it be through a crystal ball, I would look absolutely ridiculous with a silk scarf wrapped around my head!
– Ouija Luigi
Dear Ouija –
Let me tell you, I would have been delighted to be featured on a Dateline episode! I just can’t get enough of that Keith Morrison! The hair, the voice, the deadpan! Phew! Is it getting hot in here or is it just me?! They just don’t make them like they used to, if you know what I mean!
Ok, sorry, I had to take a minute to gather myself. I am definitely not in the CIA or the Witness Protection Program, although being a ghost is kind of like getting an entirely new identity – you’re sent somewhere you’ve never been, no one recognizes you, no one knows you and it’s a completely fresh start – I can really relate. Ouija boards and seances do sound like fun but are certainly not effective ways to get in touch with me.
I am glad you asked this question because my inbox was looking a bit sparse the last few weeks. I was worried I was starting to lose my fandom (THE HORROR!!! 😱). The best way to contact me is through my mortal email address firstname.lastname@example.org. Don’t ask how I check it; it’s an incredibly complicated process that includes me knocking over broomsticks and whatnot in the janitor’s closet hoping that they bump into the right keys to type out my password. Thank God for the “keep me logged in” button! But at least I’m better off than my friends Terry and Bernie who are still on AOL – dial-up to the heavens, can you imagine?!? The FACTS are that it is not fast or direct (see what I did right back at you?).
But I do love hearing “You’ve Got Mail!” and getting the chance to answer all your burning questions. If you have anything you need to know about, shoot me a message and I’ll do my best to answer in an upcoming column. Just make sure it’s a topic Mr. Holley would approve of me writing about – he does have final say on what I put out onto the interwebs, something about liability and some other legalese blah blah blah…😜 I am sure many of you are wondering, yes, this would be the same place you can send me your adoring fan mail as well!
I hope this clears some things up for you. Now I’m off to binge watch my Keithy-poo until I drift off into dreamland while his beautiful voice says “Oh that pesky DNA” and lulls me to sleep!
P.S. Oh by the way, if something does happen to you and Dateline features you in an episode, Keith would no doubt talk about how your smile lit up the room 😃😉