Dear Maggie —

I have a mystery that needs solving. My daughter has basically become a biblical scholar! I know this is a Catholic school, but her level of enthusiasm and knowledge on topics such as Corporal Works of Mercy and the Holy Trinity surpass any of the basic knowledge given to me as a product of Catholic elementary education! I have been asking her where she is learning all of this and she credits Ms. Lighthouse. I’m pretty sure there’s no Ms. Lighthouse at SMOS, so can you please reassure me that I don’t need to alert the admin that there’s a random, albeit holy, woman roaming the halls teaching kids about Jesus and his teachings?

— Mercy She Wrote

Dear Mercy —

Stop begging for mercy and fret no more! There’s no holy creep wandering the halls of SMOS spreading tidings of good news. But you know I love a good mystery (I’ve already opined about my love of Matlock and Jessica Fletcher before!).  So, let’s head to Cabot Cove for a little sleuthing… you are correct, there is no Ms. Lighthouse – but there IS a Mrs. Heithaus, formerly known as Ms. Cataldo.  An alias, no – just a new married last name!  And a quick check of her activities around the school confirms she is probably the culprit.  Your daughter most likely has either had the privilege of participating in one of Mrs. Heithaus’ religion lessons, service projects, or better yet – a class retreat. I will go on record saying that I firmly believe that she should change her name (again) from Heithaus to Hypehaus; that woman can hype Jesus like I have never seen before! In all my years floating around this school building, I have never witnessed anyone conjure the love and enthusiasm for Jesus and his teachings like Mrs. Hypehaus Heithaus! You can always spot a kid who got to spend time with her during their school day. They’re usually talking about Jesus’ blessings, how they can live more like Him, or how they were made in the image and likeness of God! I know I heard some of the 2nd-grade parents talking last year about how their children had grown so much in their faith during their time preparing for Reconciliation and First Communion with her last year! 

Since you brought up the topic, I reached out to our Jesus Hype Girl and asked her about what’s in store for our SMOS students this year. She told me that class retreats are one of the student’s favorite activities to participate in. She went on to explain that class retreats are meant to serve as a faith enrichment and bonding experience for each class. Everyone in 3-7th grade goes on one retreat, and our 8th graders go on two (one to start the year and then their special 8th grade retreat at the end of the year). The retreats are held from 8:00-11:00 on one Friday each month in the church basement. She even has a retreat team comprised of 8th graders who applied for the position to help facilitate the retreat by leading small groups and presenting activities/games. Each retreat has a theme that ties in with the standards for that grade level. 

So, if you have a child in 5th-8th grade (3rd & 4th have already had their retreats), get ready to be exposed to the razzmatazz for the Lord that Mrs. Heithaus will surely be handing out at the next class retreat! The schedule for the rest of the year is as follows:

• 5th grade – Friday, January 26
• 6th grade – Friday, February 23
• 7th grade – Friday, April 26
• 8th grade – Monday, May 20

As a saint myself, I love to see our students filled with such spirited enthusiasm for Jesus 😜, may you all be equally jazzed for Him in this holiday season! And there you go. Mystery solved – it’s Mrs. Heithaus, in the Church Hall, with a crucifix. That’s what I call CLUED in!

— Maggie