Dear Maggie —

I can’t believe it’s already time for parent-teacher conferences! I feel like school just started yesterday and now here we are, staring down that insanely overwhelming sign-up form and wondering how much emotional damage I can take in a 15-minute slot. 😬My question is this—what should I really expect going into these conferences? Are they as nerve-wracking for the teachers as they are for us? Do I need to bring notes? Snacks? A stiff drink? Help me out here, Maggie—I don’t want to be the parent who says something ridiculous like “He never does that at home!” when we all know he absolutely does.

— Sweatin’ Sal

Dear Sweatin’

I’ve been so sidetracked since Taylor’s latest dropped last week, I almost forgot what else was going on.  Bernie, Terri, and I sat up and cocktailed in the late-night hours last Thursday night listening to the new album, and it’s been on constant rotation ever since!  So yes, conference season — that magical time when we all pretend to have it together while clutching a color-coded schedule and praying we’re in the right classroom. First things first: take a deep breath, Honey 🍯. It’s not that deep.

If your Dragon is in 5th grade or older, they’ll be joining you — so remember, you’re on the same team. You’ll sit together, nod together, and try not to make weird eye contact when the teacher says, “We’ve been having some… focus challenges.”you hear something you 

As for what to expect: fifteen minutes of pure honesty, sprinkled with small talk and just enough academic jargon to make you feel like you might need a translator. If don’t love, don’t panic — no one’s Cancelled ❎ here. Conferences aren’t about blame; they’re about growth. And while you’re at it, check in on how your wee dragon’s doing with friends. A little chat about kindness and empathy can go a long way—no need to Ruin the Friendship 🫠 over a dodgeball gone wrong. And if your little dragon needs some advice, try being a Father Figure 🧑‍💼 (or a mother one!) for a minute—wise, calm, and only slightly exasperated.

Go in with a short Wi$h Li$t 💵 — two or three real questions about how to help your child thrive. Teachers appreciate that more than a Starbucks card—though if you suspect your child’s name has been mentioned in staff meetings, maybe spring for the Venti. If you have an Eldest Daughter 💁🏻‍♀️, be sure to check in on how she’s holding up, thinking she has to keep everyone in line.

And remember, my dear, confidence is key. Channel a little Elizabeth Taylor 👗 energy: head high, pearls metaphorical or otherwise, and a smile that says, “I’m raising greatness, darling.”Now off you go — and may your conferences be short, sweet, and free of awkward silences- Knock on Wood 😬.

— Maggie

P.S. I really tried to work in some more ‘Life of a Showgirl’ references, but the phrases “Fate of Ophelia”, and “Actually Romantic” don’t come up as naturally as you’d think they would when discussing Teacher/Parent Conferences?!? 😜